directions and guides

Sometimes I have to face it that I've fallen off the face of this earth, that time has stop applying because my application of it is a mile wide and inch deep, space is still always a smile away and something to keep close and wrapped tight even on these warmer nights but I find myself tossing and turning in the early hours, tethered and tangled in questions and forevers that ended a moment ago. It's a strange time always, when you feel like a season is passing through you and not around you; there is honeysuckle blooming behind my ears, tulips soft and supple on my two lips, a swallow flutters and dives each time I try to take down another uncertainty. I think I thought you thought I had something figured out at one point but lately i've been filling the backs of envelopes, the scraps of reminiscings, the scattered hems and frayed edges of anything I can find, to make lists and diagrams, hiroglyphs and arrows circling round and round and eating their own tails. figuring my figures has strange contours and more shadows than i'd expect with all this light.

I think I'm going to have to make a change or three. I want to dobecreate something permenant and drastic. quit (renegotiate?) my internship. cut off my hair. tatoo my feet with honebees and that honesuckle behind my ears. those bees dance to communicate, they super organize into superorganisms, there is a queen that is useless without her colony, there is a sweetness they depend on to carry them into the future, every little one of them wants to feel love, not fear, or they will be all up in arms. much to learn, much to learn, no?

well these here are the truest late night ramblings i've typed in a long while so I suppose I can't expect any sense from them, and nor should you. how unfair to not have crossed your mind in so long and then send you things of no sense. in six hours I'll be at work and crafting delighting flavors from flour and butter, milk and sugar, and after that I really do truly think I'm going to tell my boss at my internship that i'm over my head, don't have enough tools for the task, would be selfish to continue on as if i was piecing it all together rather than watching those same pieces become a more minute and intricate dance of dispirate particles. and why? why do i keep thinking that delegitimizes all the other tasks and tricks and tools that i am doing, am using - so perhaps i will step away from that. find that i'm already doing what makes me feel legitimate. modeling? baking? yes both. both! ah, it feels so strange to feel off whatever track I supposed was proposed and yet find more me in that than anywhere else. and maybe, just maybe, to have time to see and breathe and drink wine and laugh with others who feel that freeness of time untethered.

so here is my confusion. here is what is left of what i've already used. here is where i am finding the long and the short of it and sizing up how tall i will have to hold myself to be square with it all. It is a strange thing to take yourself seriously, to decide whether we must think ourselves into different behavior or behave ourselves into different thinking. perhaps, as with most things, we will need both together and each in dispirate moments. it is hard and sweet, this life, iron washed with wine, bitter and heady all in layers of time laminated with our own vision of what we may accept as real.

I lost myself somewhere on the lake today, i whisked away in a billow of cherry blossom petals, carried over the chop and lap of water to the other shore and blew up against someone else's life, someone else's worry and bliss. and i found that it could be no other way, that until the wind shifts our gaze enough to see beyond our own horizon we are steeped in it, a tincture of our own time and trials, a balm of our own berevement and benevolence. when I came back I was asleep next to you in tall blades of grass. how strange what a brand new day can do. it's so obviously time for sleep. please recieve these strange words not as a stranger these past few weeks but as if my imbalance were part of the dance as a whole. it may be, i hope to know soon. i'll keep you posted.